A parent reached out for guidance:
“Despite raising three children in a loving home, one of my daughters and I have a difficult relationship. We’ve had yelling matches (what family hasn’t?), but there was never any abuse. I’ve worked hard to support her emotionally and financially. She’s now a 22-year-old college senior, and things are still rough: she chose not to live at home this summer. Finally, last week, she told me that her therapist (whom I pay for) has advised her to only communicate with me via email – so there’ll be a record of ‘my toxicity.’ She won’t have any more phone calls or visits home – to protect her from ‘my abuse.’ Her emails are not attempts to work through our issues – they’re mostly requests for money. What can I do?”
This “reduced contact” phenomenon is something I have recently heard about. Rather than work with their parents to iron out differences, young people are finding support and encouragement from online forums, therapists, and peers to cut off contact with their parents, to protect themselves from what they believe is ongoing trauma or, as your daughter has suggested, parental toxicity or abuse. The cutting off from parents is framed as a form of self-care, one that empowers the youth.
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But it’s premised on a problematically broad definition of victimhood, and risks lumping the ordinary give-and-take of relationships in the same category as extreme danger and harm. Is disagreement the same as abuse? Sashay Ayad wrote: “I now think of this as cut-off culture: a pseudo-therapeutic and social framework that moralizes family rupture and recasts disconnection as healing.”
It leaves parents reeling in bewilderment and devastation. What to do?
First, validate what you can: “I see you want some distance right now. As much as I would love for us to talk about our relationship, let’s keep emailing.”
Ask if there is any scenario under which talking together might be acceptable. With her therapist present? With another family member? For just a short phone call, to start? If she holds firm to her email-only policy, keep your emails neutral, supportive, and short.
As for the abuse accusation, that may require professional help to untangle. Ask your daughter if she would be willing to see a family therapist together with you, her dad, etc., to work on sorting things out and healing. And seek professional support for yourself. It’s hard to see a scenario under which your relationship is repaired without guidance from a professional.
Concerning the ongoing requests for money, I don’t know the circumstances there. Is she currently employed? Is the money for additional schooling/training, or to somehow further her career? Is she in a pinch with a car repair or a medical bill? It will be vital for you to understand her reasons for needing money and to establish boundaries around what you will give, including whether you are providing a loan, a one-time gift, or a small monthly stipend to help her toward fiscal independence. You might even decide, “I’m not comfortable loaning you any more money until we can communicate off email and are on more relational terms.” She may interpret this as blackmail or invalidation, but you are well within your rights to establish conditions for giving money.
Having set boundaries, be prepared for pushback – if your boundaries are flimsy, they might be ignored or breached, which might cause resentment and further rifts in your relationship.
Finally, this is clearly a painful situation; make sure you seek support for yourself.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and pre-teen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.