Raising a family is daunting at the best of times. Juggling work, housework, and kids’ activities can be exhausting. Managing a long-term illness on top of this adds a unique set of challenges.
One parent, who was diagnosed with a chronic illness two years ago, recently told me the situation has put a strain on the entire family, especially the kids.
“My pre-teens are impatient with my lower energy levels and frustrated that I can’t keep up with their friends’ parents. How can I get them to understand that I am doing the best I can, given my physical limitations?”
First, I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
As you and every parent knows, kids are inherently needy. They have constant physical, emotional, and psycho-social needs. That’s challenging enough for any parent, but you’re also dealing with your fatigue, pain, worry, doctors’ appointments, drug side effects, and more. It’s no wonder the entire family feels the stress.
However, with open communication, intentional support, and some flexibility, you can help your kids navigate these changes and even grow from the experience.
Open the Conversation
Most kids, even young ones, are keenly aware of any cracks in the family. Not talking about your illness — and its impact on the family — can create more tension and fear. And perhaps that comes across as the frustration and impatience you mentioned. Kids need to feel safe. Being open and honest about what your chronic illness means for the familyoffersmore security than shrouding it in secrecy.
Validate Their Feelings
Open discussions can provide them with the space to share what they’re feeling.
If you feel their impatience or fear, pause and validate their feelings:
- “I know it’s difficult for you that I can’t do all the things I used to do.”
- “You must feel a little scared when you see me so tired.”
Find places to join them:
- “I also feel sad about that.”
- “Sometimes I feel anxious about my health situation, too.”
And most importantly, reassure them that you are working hard to take care of yourself: “My doctors and I have created a solid plan for me.”
Find and Accept Support
To the extent possible, arrange to get the support you need. If you can afford it, hire help with housework, shopping, meal prep, and yard work. Or, if the budget is tight, figure out an equitable way for the entire family to share in tackling these tasks.
It’s important to lean into any offers of support you receive from neighbors or other community members. Have you considered joining a support or affinity group about living with chronic illness? These gatherings provide a space to share and learn with others in similar situations.
Finally, keep in mind that kids are resilient. And like you, they will have good days and bad. Your illness may provide them with an opportunity to step up and become more nurturing. While it is developmentally appropriate for pre-teens/teens to be self-absorbed, your kids will mature as they get older and may even end up being more empathetic, attentive and caring than the average young adult.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and pre-teen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.