A parent of a 20-something reached out to me recently with this concern:
“My 27-year-old daughter has changed jobs, apartments, and partners with dizzying regularity since she graduated from college. Why? Apparently, the jobs, apartments, and partners just aren’t good enough.’ When we challenged her about yet another change, she insisted she won’t be made to ‘settle.’ We’re concerned that she’s comparing her life to social media posts and inevitably coming up short. How can we get her to see that there is no such thing as perfect, and that every choice—and every relationship—has upsides and downsides?”
Yes, in addition to all its other disturbing effects, social media (where carefully curated photos and captions dominate) has trained a whole generation of young people to adopt unattainable standards of beauty, partnership, and success – and consequently feel deeply inadequate and unhappy with the reality of life.
I illustrate this to my own 20-something kids with this example: “I won’t be satisfied with my swimming until I can swim like a mermaid.” By applying this condition on my success (I explain), I set myself up to never be satisfied, to always fall short, because, well, mermaids don’t exist.
And perfect jobs, apartments, and partners don’t exist in the real world, either.
So, what can I tell this parent, who’s worried about a daughter who, apparently, is gripped by a restless perfectionism, seems perpetually unsatisfied?
First, I want to acknowledge you for staying in communication with your daughter. It’s hard to make any positive impact if you’re not connected.
Next, I’d inquire: Have you explored with your daughter the difference between “not settling” and perfectionism? It’s a good thing to have high standards; however, being impatient for anything but perfection sets one up for perpetual dissatisfaction. Many of us finally realize that social media comparisons are especially pernicious, rooted in fallacy. Those lovely photos on Instagram present a highly curated glimpse into the more complex reality. Striving to live a life based on those deceptive images will lead to frustration, disappointment, and frequent transitions—all in an attempt to get a more perfect situation.
But you can’t avoid compromise in the quotidian world. Everyone has to find creative alignment with reality, shape shared solutions, and find empowering ways to manage life’s inevitable trade-offs. Some jobs pay well but require troublesome commutes. An apartment in a desirable locale might have outdated kitchens and bathrooms. You can’t have everything, so you need to make choices.
Particularly with partners, there is no such thing as perfect. Happily-ever-after only exists in fairy tales (and Instagram posts!). Have you asked her: Is she a perfect partner? If she admits that she is not, wouldn’t she prefer that she and a good-but-imperfect partner work together to strengthen an evolving relationship, rather than constantly working to trade up?
As a concerned parent, all you can do is keep having these conversations with her. Many articles online explore the role social media plays in today’s unhappiness. Send her one and arrange a time to discuss it. Review the pros and cons of your job, of the house/apartment you chose to call home, and of living in an urban community like Belmont. Dispel the myth that perfection exists in anything (except nature).
Finally, recognize that this is her journey. She’ll need to face the natural consequences of the choices she makes, without parental swoop-ins to pay for moving vans and vacation upgrades. You can offer a helping hand, but it’s her life. Love her and let her live it.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and pre-teen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.