A parent reached out to me recently asking for guidance concerning his 10th-grade son:
“I’m fairly certain that my 15-year-old is gay, but he hasn’t officially ‘come out’ – at least not at home. His mom and I are mostly OK with this, though we both share a touch of discomfort. Regardless, we don’t want to mess up the conversation when it happens. How can we be supportive and at the same time be honest that we are just a little uneasy about this?”
Thank you for asking such an important question. Coming out can be emotionally charged for both the person doing it and for those hearing it.
Your goal should be fostering a loving, safe space for him to share his news. For many young people, coming out is a process, not a one-and-done announcement. He may choose to share first with his friend group or with another trusted adult. It’s possible he’s working up to telling you (his parents), or he may not be ready to divulge this information at home yet.
Could it be that your “touch of discomfort” is more transparent than you think, and might you inadvertently be keeping him from sharing this information with you? Explore with your partner (or with a professional) what makes you uneasy. Are you feeling disappointed that this conflicts with your expectations for him? Do you fear for his rights and/or his safety? Is it a long-held religious or cultural belief? Take some time now to process whatever is holding you back so that you can fully support him when the coming out conversations begin to happen. Most importantly, take any opportunity to let him know that you love and support him unconditionally, and that you’re committed to learning more about any areas in his life that you need to understand better.
When he does share with you, acknowledge your son for taking the step to talk with you. Let him know that you appreciate him sharing this with you. It’s often difficult for teens to reveal their sexual orientation to their parents. Be committed to listening; allow your son all the time he needs to share his thoughts and feelings. Validate what you are hearing, without adding your opinions.
If helpful, let your son know that you’d like to take a little time and follow up with a question or two. This will give you a chance to consider the phrasing of your questions and ensure that this is not a “one-off” conversation. If words are not coming easily, pause the conversation with a hug. (Hugs speak volumes.)
If expressing support overtly at the outset does not feel accessible to you, show support in other ways. You might speak positively about an LGBTQ+ person you know, or speak supportively about something happening in the news.
Another way to show support is to learn the terminology: Another way to show support is to learn the terminology: what is sexual versus gender identity? What does it mean to be bisexual? Gender-fluid? Trans?
If you make a mistake, own it, apologize, and let him know you are committed to learning more.
The coming-out process is a journey for both the person coming out and those hearing the news. There’s no one correct reaction to learning that your child is LGBTQ. Some parents easily embrace the news. For others, acceptance may take a little time.
If your son feels loved, affirmed, and supported at home, that will go a long way to supporting his feelings of security and safety overall.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and pre-teen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.