Ask Lisa: Guidance on Weight Gain
This month’s column addresses a challenging issue. A parent writes:
My daughter, a recent college graduate, has put on a lot of weight (upwards of 50 pounds) over the last several years. I realize this is a sensitive topic and I have been very careful about how I approach her, but I am concerned about the health impacts: Type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, joint pain, heart disease, etc. When I try to raise my concerns with her, she immediately says, “I am fine with it and you should be fine with it too. This is society’s problem, and I’m not going to capitulate to society’s ridiculous standards for women.” Is there any way to have this conversation without getting shut down?
This is a tough one. First thing to remember is that broaching the topic of weight is not merely– or even primarily–a health question. It certainly has that dimension, but it also intersects with cultural standards of beauty, centuries of insulting discourse, modern identity politics, personal autonomy, genetic disposition, microbiome biology, the psychology of emotions, healthcare economics/politics, the diet/exercise industrial complex, and so much more.
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This complexity is nothing new. I’ve struggled with weight since puberty: the periods of my life where I was feeling healthy and fit had absolutely nothing to do with anything that well-meaning people–or magazine articles – were advising me. “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” “You’ll feel so much more comfortable.” “It will be harder to take off the weight as you get older.” These and thousands more tired tropes pelted us regularly back then. But such comments only triggered overwhelming feelings of shame, which led to more self-recrimination and yo-yo dieting.
From a purely statistical perspective, you’re correct: carrying 50 extra pounds likely puts your daughter at higher risk for the health impacts you noted. Nevertheless, I would advise you to refrain from “approaching her” on this topic. As a young adult, your daughter is now responsible for her own health. As a 22-year-old in our culture, she is fully aware of the deleterious health impacts of her weight, and has likely experienced – either overly or subtly – the harsh judgment of many people. Given her response (a bit defensive?), she may also feel judged by you, regardless of your intentions.
Sharing your concerns or offering unsolicited advice is complicated. Do you have the right, at her age, to opine on your daughter’s weight? When do parents switch from caring for their children (when concerns about weight might indeed spark action) to being in a relationship with fellow adults (when boundaries need to be respected)? Given your daughter’s age, I believe you need to respect her boundaries.
But what can you do? You might remind her that you are willing to listen, brainstorm, and offer support around any topic she brings to you. Let her know you won’t be offering guidance or advice unless explicitly asked to do so. You can model a balanced lifestyle in terms of food and exercise. When she is home visiting, keep plenty of healthy meals and snack options on hand, but have a selection of less healthy options too (keep it real). Take time to learn about weight stigma and the harmful effects of diet culture. Finally, check that she is having annual checkups with a primary care physician.
In other words, continue to love and support your daughter; be a stand for her overall well-being.
As Ginny Jones states in More-love.org to another concerned parent: “The respectful approach (is one) that prioritizes emotional safety, body autonomy, and lasting connection.”
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and preteen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.