With the holidays upon us and the flurry of social gatherings and activities, many parents may find themselves worried about their teen’s social life — or lack thereof. One parent recently shared this concern:
“My son is a junior in high school who seems to have a strong friend group. But when the weekends roll around, he tends to spend them alone. I think he sometimes feels left out. As a parent, what can I do to support him? Or should I just stay out of it?”
We all want our kids to be happy and well-adjusted socially, so witnessing them alone on weekends can be distressing for many parents. Unfortunately, isolation like this is not something we, as parents, can single-handedly swoop in and reverse. So what, if anything, can we do?
First, it’s worth noting that some teens are honestly OK spending time — even lots of time — by themselves. It’s the old “alone versus lonely” question. Maybe they need the downtime so they don’t burn out. High school can be intense and overwhelming, and there is no shortage of pressures (e.g., academic achievement expectations, social status anxiety, athletic performance stress).
Sometimes, they’re just deep thinkers or people who value solitude. Some introverted, highly sensitive, or neurodivergent teens may feel overwhelmed by too much socializing and need some alone time to regroup.
But assuming that your son is, in fact, feeling a bit isolated and does miss socializing with friends, you might first ask: Is this something new, or is there a longstanding pattern of him seeming apart from his peer group? If it’s relatively new, it could be that he needs more confidence in reaching out and initiating plans. If it is a longstanding challenge, he might benefit from talking with a professional who can offer strategies for building relationships with peers.
Either way, here are some suggestions for you to consider:
1. Be a supportive listener. Create time together where your role is just to listen. Show you understand by paraphrasing what he says and validating his feelings. Ask permission before offering any guidance/advice. If he seems open to sharing and hearing your thoughts, go on to number 2.
2. Gently engage in a conversation with him. You might ask: “Hey, have you seen xxx and zzz lately?” If the answer is no, you could follow up with: “Have you considered reaching out to them?” He may be terse at first. It’s uncomfortable for teens to be vulnerable about this stuff, especially if they sense parents think something is wrong and needs fixing. And yet, by checking in with him, you are communicating that you care and are available to listen.
3. Offer practical support. For example, “Just so you know, we are fine to host kids here and order pizza or whatever.” Or, just put the question out there: “Is there anything I can do to be supportive?”
4. Encourage him to cast a wider net. At almost any age, it’s shared interests that foster social opportunities. Therefore, by increasing social connections, he will also be increasing his opportunities for developing relationships with kids. Whether it’s a job at Ranc’s, joining a new club/team, or volunteering across town, expanding his network will help him to connect with additional peers. Furthermore, it will have the added benefit of providing purpose and/or creating a sense of belonging.
5. Be mindful of screen time. The data is definitive: excessive screen time among teens can increase social isolation. If this might be an issue, explore with him the impacts of screen time on his mental and physical health. Discuss ways to cut back or introduce some balance.
Ultimately, this may be something he has to go through and figure out for himself. And by being present, you are showing him that you care. At the very least, you will have provided him with the tools to potentially mitigate the situation.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and pre-teen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.