A parent of a Belmont High School junior reached out to me recently with this concern:
“My daughter is fortunate to have a nice group of friends. But one of the friends (I’ll call her Maya) leans hard into my daughter for counsel and support. The texting can go on late into the evening, and seems constant. My daughter finds it difficult to sign off when Maya is in emotional pain. How can she create boundaries in a caring way?”
This is a question I receive frequently from concerned parents and exhausted youth. A struggling friend has found a safe place to vent with a peer they trust and feel comfortable with. That’s great for the struggling friend. But the cost to the compassionate peer is significant: less time for studying, sleep, family, or downtime.
How can we teach young people that it’s OK to establish boundaries, even if those friends are in pain?
First, we should let our kids know that it’s perfectly appropriate to put boundaries in place, even with friends in distress. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we don’t care about our friends. It’s a way to protect the well-being of both individuals.
Second, you can support your child in establishing boundaries. Encourage her to tell Maya that in your home, phones are put away during homework time and after 10 p.m. But your daughter can tell Maya that she cares by telling her she will set aside 10 to 15 minutes to check in before studying.
This isn’t easy. If Maya crosses the established boundaries, your daughter will need to have a follow-up conversation with her.
There’s another element here: When might it make sense to bring in caring adults to help Maya? Considerations include: Has she been in emotional pain for longer than a few weeks? Is she engaging in self-harm? Has she spoken of suicide or about making a suicide plan? A yes to any of these questions suggests that an adult, either a parent, guidance counselor, or high school administrator, needs to be informed.
Work with your daughter to create a script: “Maya, I am so sorry you are going through this. I really care about you. This feels like more than I can handle and it might be time you talk with a caring adult. Can I help you make that happen?”
If your daughter feels she will betray Maya’s confidence by notifying an adult, she could do it through Belmont High School’s AnonymousTip Line: 1-508-203-1680. She can leave a message there simply saying that she is concerned about Maya. This will alert the high school administration, who will reach out to both the student and her parents.
Alternatively, you could offer to reach out to Maya’s parents directly. You might tell them you’re concerned about Maya’s mental health and wanted them to know what was happening. I would advise keeping this conversation short and focused on sharing your concern.
Boundary setting is a learned skill. Helping young people develop this skill, especially when it concerns close friends, is crucial for ensuring not only the well-being of both young people but also the health of the friendship.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and pre-teen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.