When teens falter and opt out of an obligation, how do we best support them—by honoring their withdrawal, or by urging them to work past inner misgivings and fulfill their original goals? That’s the question behind a parent’s concern:
My 14-year-old recently froze before a voice recital. She found me in the audience and said “Tell Ms. [voice instructor] I don’t feel well. I can’t do this. It’s too scary.” In that moment, I had no idea if the right response was to tell her she needed to take a deep breath and sing as planned – or to support her by letting her take a pass. What’s the best approach?
First, let’s clarify: we’re talking here about a typical case of teen “nerves.” If the young person has a clinical anxiety disorder, or if they have a real fear of physical danger, that’s a different issue.
So, what should parents do when a teen feels they can’t pitch on the mound, take the midterm that morning, or compete in their skating/diving/fencing competition?
The thinking around “everyday anxiety” has changed considerably since I was a teen (in the 1980s). Back then, balking at a commitment was seen as weakness, and the canonical parental response was merely, “buck up.” Today, many parents feel their kids shouldn’t have to do anything that makes them feel uneasy; kids pick up on this outlook, so it becomes their expectation as well.
The appropriate response, I think, lies in the middle, and depends on the situation. Did they neglect to prepare? Who else is counting on them? What’s the impact of them holding back? If there’s little at stake, reneging might not be a big deal. Take a school dance: if a young person decides they feel too nervous to go to a dance, it’s probably fine to stay home, even if they bought a ticket. On the other hand, if it’s Prom, and they have a date who is depending on them, then they really ought to dig deep, push through the anxiety, and go. This applies to sporting events, too. If you’re part of a team and your teammates are depending on you, it makes sense to push through.
Experiencing everyday anxiety comes with being alive. Sometimes it can be like a darkening sky, ominous and dread-inducing. You seek refuge during a storm, but if you make a habit of avoidance, you will live your life fearing the sky. The key is finding a way to interpret and, as appropriate, cope with the feelings the storm created — e.g., deep breathing, asking “what’s the worst that can happen?”, listening to music, etc.
It’s important for kids to learn coping skills they can lean into when they feel anxious. As parents, we need to teach our kids (and model) how to draw on these skills, so that anxiety does not become a paralyzing force in life.
You didn’t say if you encouraged your daughter to sing or if you let her take a pass. If she sang, good for her for mustering up the courage and not letting her nervousness paralyze her. If she took a pass, that’s OK, too. I hope, knowing your daughter the way you do, you had some instinct to draw upon that guided you.
Finally, do use the experience to talk about how, next time, she might utilize some coping skills in the face of feeling scared — so she can both experience the emotions and still rise to the challenge.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and preteen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.