How should a college freshman balance the many joys of a new collegiate experience with the sadness of a roommate grieving the loss of a loved one?
A father reached out:
“My son is a college freshman. He seems to be adjusting well to classes, campus life, and the social scene. However, his roommate’s mom died recently (in May, from cancer). My son wants to be supportive, but he’s also just a kid who is excited to experience all that college life has to offer. Do you have any advice I can share about balancing support and enjoyment?”
With all that your son is adjusting to (and it sounds like he is doing well), his roommate’s experience of loss and grief certainly adds a heavy layer to freshman year. It sounds like you’ve already talked with your son about the importance of balancing support with the importance of fully engaging in all that college has to offer.
To go further, you might want to engage your son in a conversation about what might lie ahead on his roommate’s grief journey. Carrying around that kind of emotional pain is exhausting, so his roommate may need lots of sleep. He may be moodier than other freshmen, as acute waves of grief wash over him and then dissipate. His roommate may also be feeling anxious – not only about starting this new chapter of his life concurrent with the pain of losing his mom, but also casting his thoughts back to the world he left behind, where his mom’s death might be impacting his father, other siblings, and grandparents. Finally, the roommate might adopt maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as excessive use of substances, self-harm, and other risky behaviors.
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As for your son, I’d make sure he has explicitly expressed his sympathy for this profound loss, even if it feels awkward to say “I’m so sorry about your mom.” He might also ask the roommate directly: “This must be a hard time for you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
If the roommate does want to talk, your son can identify a time when he can be present to listen, without distractions. Of course, the roommate may have little interest in sharing about this loss – he may find “alone time” restorative. That is perfectly OK and should be respected. Everyone is different.
Regardless, let your son know that it’s not his job to heal his roommate or to absorb his roommate’s pain. All he can really do is be sensitive to what his roomie is going through and occasionally check in, in a caring way. If the roommate seems to be overtly struggling, your son might suggest that he seek support from the campus counseling center. I’m sure the dorm’s resident assistant is aware of this situation –hopefully, the RA can be a support for both your son and his roommate.
Unfortunately, this young man’s grief journey is his own to take. However, by checking in and asking if he can be helpful, your son is well-positioned to be an ally to his roomie. That sounds like something he might be up for. But again, your son is a college freshman, not a grief counselor. He is embarking on his own journey – one that will inevitably have its own ups and downs. He needs to be aware of what he can comfortably offer and what his limits are. You can help your son sort through that if he is open to talking with you about it.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and preteen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.
