Ah, the holidays in Belmont. Every year I look forward to gingersnap molasses ice cream at Rancatore’s, the Belmont High School Madrigal Singers at Turn on the Town, and those gloriously decorated side-by-side houses on Pleasant Street. For many of us Gen X parents, it’s also the season to welcome our college students back home. We imagine cozy family time with our chicks back in the nest, but the reality is often more complicated.
I hear it from all of my friends with college kids: You can’t wait to see them, but the initial euphoria wears off in a couple of days, and you kind of want to kill them. You’ve developed an equilibrium that is disturbed when this not-quite-houseguest blows into town.
The first stage is the student arriving home in a whirl of chaos and dirty laundry. They just finished exams and haven’t slept for three days. They probably have a hacking cough. So they spend the first 48 hours sleeping, with occasional trips to the kitchen to drink all the juice and eat the leftovers you were saving for lunch. It’s cute at first, but a few days of stinky socks and constant nose-blowing brings everyone back to reality. When my college sophomore is home, I’m reminded that we need double the bread and eggs, and one large pizza isn’t enough for dinner anymore.
College students are nocturnal creatures. If your high schooler slept until 10 a.m., your college kid sleeps till noon… or later. As you tuck yourself into bed, they’re preparing to head out for the evening in a flurry of texts and calls. Festive daytime plans like baking cookies and holiday shopping mean banging on the always closed bedroom door. They had complete autonomy for months, and now you think you can tell them to be home by midnight? Good luck!
My son goes to school in Montreal, where the drinking age is 18, and his freshman orientation included a pub crawl. All I can do is ask him to be considerate and not wake the dog when he rolls in (because I may have put some of my parenting energy into my pet).
My friend Patrick had a proud dad moment when his son— let’s call him A.—came home for Thanksgiving. After meeting up with high school friends, Patrick thought A. and his friends seemed grounded and mature. Cut to a few hours later, and Patrick is with A. in the E.R. as blood gushes out of A.’s broken nose. Some teenage horseplay went too far, and Patrick realized that a couple of months at college make a world of difference—and none at all.
During this precious face-to-face time, there may be serious topics you need to address. Maybe their grades are low, or you can see some mental health struggles. One parent I know is gearing up for a heart-to-heart about birth control with their kid who’s navigating their first “situationship.” We are still the parents, after all. It’s our job to push the hard conversations and give our kids the advice they need, even if they claim they don’t.
This holiday season, my wish is that parents and their young adult offspring be patient with each other. Our kids are figuring out who they are and need space to grow, but they also need reminders to be accountable. So, maybe this year you take pictures of the dog in a Santa hat in front of the Christmas tree while the student spends hours behind that closed bedroom door. And let’s hope they give us the same grace, because, let’s face it, we’ve gotten a little set in our ways, too.
Jessica Barnard has lived in Belmont since 2010 with her husband and two children. She is an administrator at Harvard University, a writer, and a Town Meeting member. Her website is jessicaclembarnard.com.