Becoming empty-nesters as your children move out into the world is emotionally complicated, but it also creates a practical challenge, one that might involve Marie Kondo more than Dr. Phil.
Specifically: what do you do with all their stuff?
When my children left home after college (two to New York City, one to Los Angeles), they left my husband and me with much more than sadness in our hearts: they left closets, desks, and bureaus brimming with four seasons of clothes, jackets, shoes, notebooks, photos, yearbooks, cosmetics, knickknacks, correspondence, posters, and random domestic and international coins.
If they themselves did not deem this material worthy to take along, how long should I be expected to retain their mess?
Long ago, curmudgeonly correspondent Andy Rooney gave his answer to this conundrum on one of his 60 Minutes segments: when his adult kids were home for the holidays, he confessed, he had to fight the urge to load up the trunks of their cars (preferably while they were sleeping) with all the stuff they had left behind over the years.
Well, that’s one answer.
I posed the question to the Belmont Parents’ Facebook Page:
“What should you do with all the stuff (e.g., clothes, books, memorabilia, etc.) that your launched kids have left behind? Are you providing them a grace period before it all gets donated/discarded? Did you have them relocate most of their things when they moved out?”
The answers were varied. Of course, some noted, kids’ rooms need to be kept intact during the college years – they come home frequently on breaks and for the summer. But, others opined, some winnowing is reasonable to expect during the post-college apartment phase. (“Some winnowing” was not defined.)
One mom suggested that, except for a bin or two of very special childhood books/toys/artwork, the kids’ stuff should be removed by the time they’re in their 30s and are becoming condo/homeowners. That seems fair enough – but honestly, property ownership feels very far off for our current 20-something kids.
One person responded by sharing that she and her sister “gifted” her mom (for her 60th birthday) three full days of the adult children sorting/discarding/donating their childhood items. I thought: what an amazing gift! Thoroughly inspired, this past holiday season I asked my own visiting brood for the “gift” of one afternoon of purging – I even threw in the offer of a bonus “thank you dinner” at the restaurant of their choice. Can you guess the result? I bet you can.
I’m fine with housing a subset of clothes/shoes/books/cosmetics, etc. for them to dip into when they visit us. That’s supportive, lessening their luggage burden when they travel home. It’s the jam-packed closets, desks, and bureaus that cause me consternation. More precisely, I wonder what happens if we decide to relocate? Do we schlep their stuff along with us to our new (possibly smaller) space?
One parent I spoke to recalled that, after she moved out, her parents repurposed her room first as a guest room – later as a space for the cats. A comfortable, tidy space for guests seems reasonable to me. And at this point, so does a cat bedroom (you hear that, Pumpkin?).
I have talked frequently in this column about the importance of parental modeling – encouraging parents to model reasonable habits around screen time, leaning into positive coping mechanisms, alcohol/cannabis use, etc. I have to confess, I am clueless how to model discipline around winnowing my kids’ stuff, but I remain open to suggestions!
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and preteen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.