If you hear something, should you say something?
A parent asked:
“I overheard my 10th-grade daughter and her friends discussing the fact that another friend of theirs is partying almost every weekend and is in an unhealthy relationship with a high schooler from another community. I’m not close to the girl’s parents, but I know them. Is it appropriate for me to reach out and share this concerning news? I’m feeling uneasy.”
Yes, I believe it is appropriate to reach out. If it were my sophomore, I would want to know. That said, you should approach another parent thoughtfully and with care.
But first, you should speak with your daughter. Check in with her about what you overheard. You want to make sure that your information is accurate and not merely unconfirmed gossip.
Once you have the necessary confirmation—and keep in mind that sometimes, even with confirmation, what you heard may not be totally accurate or may be only half the story—reach out to the parents privately. Not on the sidelines of a soccer game or in line at Trader Joe’s — privately.
Next, ask permission before sharing. “I heard something concerning about your daughter; is it okay if I share it with you?” If they say yes, frame your concern as coming from a place of care for their child and respect for them as parents. Lean into “I” statements: “I feel moved to share something I heard, because I care about the kids in this friend group.” State what you heard succinctly and plainly without exaggerating details.
Understand that the parent might feel defensive, shocked, embarrassed, or even angry at first. Validate these feelings and assure them that you value their privacy and have not (and will not) share this information with other people in the community.
Do not offer advice, even if asked. And while your intentions come from care and concern, avoid expressing any hint of schadenfreude (i.e., satisfaction in others’ troubles). Share the facts neutrally, offer support, assure privacy. Keep in mind that teens are still growing, learning, and figuring things out; sometimes they gravitate toward less-than-optimal coping mechanisms.
Remember, you are sharing this information so that the parents are made aware and can address this with their child as they deem appropriate — not for you to meddle.
Those are the basics.
Many parents of younger kids would do well to anticipate this scenario ahead of time (certainly before the high school years) by checking in with the parents of their kid’s friends: “If one of us hears something concerning, should we share it with each other?” It makes sense to get out in front of the eventuality. Building a community network helps protect all our kids and keeps communication open among families.
When my kids were teens, I found myself in both sets of shoes in this scenario.
Although I was a little embarrassed, I appreciated it when a parent shared information she had heard about my kids with me. It gave me an opportunity to talk more often (with my child) about certain experiences and to explore things from their perspective.
When I heard concerning news about another youth, I did reach out. I first asked permission, shared the facts, offered support, avoided judgment, and assured privacy. (Honestly, I may have offered advice; today I would know better.)
It really does take a village — not only to keep parents informed, but more importantly, to help keep our kids safe.
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and preteen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.