Is it possible for parents to engage their teen children in real conversations? One parent wrote me:
We have two teens, ages 14 and 16. They are good kids (so far!), but I am sad that they have no interest in hearing from either my wife or me – about … anything. Occasionally, we want to offer insights (around social dynamics, an upcoming tryout, colleges, Driver’s Ed, making sense of world events, etc.), sharing our life experiences, but we can’t get them engaged in any sort of meaningful conversations. Are there strategies to help us connect better?
This is a common phenomenon. Before the teen years, parents enjoy having their children turn to them for all sorts of inquiries, from “Why is the sky blue? to “What happens after we die? By middle and high school, they’re still asking big questions, but they turn to their peers, or the internet – just not their parents–for answers. This is both developmentally appropriate (they’re building independence, testing boundaries, and developing their own identities, etc.) and a little painful for parents. Don’t take it personally – it’s a normal part of adolescent development.
That said, what can you do?
First, once the teens’ focus starts shifting away from parents to their peer group, find time to explicitly let them know that you are available and willing to listen/talk. I intentionally mention listening first: often, teens don’t want parental advice, but rather an empathetic ear, validation, and a safe space to work something out. Tell them you’re happy to offer support in the form of listening, and will only supply guidance if they ask for it. (Be patient: the “wisdom of your years” will come in handy as they enter young adulthood and need to file taxes or get car insurance!)
Second, be sure to meet them where they are. If winter walks are not something your teen enjoys, don’t expect Rock Meadow in February to be a place where you spend time together. Figure out something that works for them. If they love baking, ask to bake together. Ditto for game playing and television watching (letting them choose the game, the show, etc.). Creating time together – in a way they enjoy – will at least create the possibility of conversation.
One way to improve the odds of engagement is to establish routines. Some families have informal routines around the dinner table – everyone shares a high/low, a “would you rather …?”, one thing you learned today, one glimmer of joy today, etc. Maybe your dinner hours are too chaotic with sports and rehearsals (they certainly were at our home with three teens underfoot), so you might try a nighttime or weekend routine. Again, the point is to create a safe space – and the opportunity to spur conversations.
Some parents attest to “car talks.” Time spent driving around town offers a chance to chat, in a casual setting, with less eye contact and short duration. The same can be said for good-night check-ins – the room is dark and the duration is short.
Dr. Lisa Damour (one of my favorite resources for teen advice) sums it up well. The key strategies for talking with teens involve: being a steady, calm presence; practicing active, empathetic listening (i.e., validating feelings without agreement); and offering a safe, non-judgmental space where teens know they’ll be supported even if/when they make mistakes.
Finally, if your teens won’t turn to you, help them to identify another Trusted Adult (see belmontwellness.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/TrustedAdultsFinal.pdf) with whom they might talk (e.g., a neighbor, a relative, a coach).
Lisa Gibalerio, MPH, is the author of the Ask Lisa column, where she answers questions from parents about how to navigate the teen and pre-teen years. Lisa oversees the Belmont Wellness Coalition, a program of Wayside Youth & Family Support Network. The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional care.
If you have a question for Lisa, send it to: asklisa@belmontvoice.org.